The Inner Workings of my Mind

This is a lot. You don't have to read all of it. I just feel it's kind of fair to tell you this stuff. And I mean...you've been super honest with me. So it's my turn. You know my dad died when I was three. When I was four, my cousin's friend would come over after school. He was around 12 or 14. He molested me for years. It finally stopped when I was in 4th grade. The counselors came in the classrooms and showed us some videos about sexual abuse. There were three of us girls who came forward about what was going on with us. My cousin has always been upset with himself for not telling anyone when I told him. But I don't blame him. I learned long ago it was the boy’s fault. When I was 14, I had a boyfriend who tried to rape me. He hurt me physically and left bruises on me. I finally had to go to the principal at school but still, nothing happened to him. That was when I finally lost control and my depression came about. I cut myself for the first time in ...

I'm not really sure what exactly is going on. I feel a little confused, I'm questioning myself, second-guessing myself, second-guessing my life.  I think my depression is kicking back up and causing a stir in everything. I've been more tired than usual, mentally drained, and just ... off. But maybe that's just how my life will be, on-again-off-again depression and anxiety. If so, I'll just have to get used to it eventually.  I know ... that's a terrible way to put it. But I worry too much. I'm so scared. Why am I like this?  The real me isn't exactly pleasant. The real us are disappointments. It'll be okay. We have each other.  

Homework, homework, and more homework. I only have 6 more classes until I graduate with my bachelor's. Two of those 6 I'm currently taking. So 4 left after this term. I feel like I'm drowning in homework, errands, work, and cleaning. No breaks.  My boyfriend helps a lot. He helps with the cooking, laundry, and yardwork. I'm thankful for that. There's nothing he can do when it comes to my homework or job. But after I graduate, he may be hunting for a degree, be it trade school or otherwise. He could easily change his mind, of course. I'm actually hopeful that he goes through with it. I worry about how long his job position will last. Anything could happen and the company could shut down. That would not be good for our mortgage payment and other bills. But if I were able to find a job that pays well enough, I wouldn't mind if he stayed home. Especially if we were able to one day have a baby. If he were a stay at home dad, that would be fine.  I miss not be...