I am not okay. You have no idea, honestly, of what goes on inside of me or inside my mind during those moments when I sit quietly or hide myself from the outside world. I am not okay. You believe I can make it through anything, but you have no clue, I am not you, not as strong-minded as you, not as brave as you to keep pushing and moving through everything. I am not okay. I miss my comfort zone, the feeling of being able to be numb, to not have to feel anything at all, where everything just disappears and even time just stands still. I am not okay. I probably will not make it, but I promise that I will at least try so that I can say I gave it my best, and that I'm not a complete failure in your eyes even though I know that I truly am, I truly am a fuck up. I am not okay, I promise.
I wake up to another horrible night[day]mare, crawl out of bed and, avoiding the mirror for fear that it will crack right down the middle, grab the hairbrush and run it through by memory. I get dressed in loose clothing, never something tight that would cling to my body [who would want to see all the fat there anyway?], no make-up [there's no help for your face] and run out the door [skip food for your own good]. Rarely do I ever want to eat [it would go straight to your stomach or ass and add to what's there!] so I run on what energy exists till I feel my stomach complain that I have to eat something or I will pass out. I can't let the world know that I attempt to starve myself of any food because they will get mad [{you better eat or I'm going to be very angry with you!}] says one of them. Not many know my secret obsession. I wish only to be beautiful, to be skinny, to feel comfortable with my body [like that will ever happen!] and wear those pr