Skip to main content

I'm not okay, I promise

I am not okay.
          You have no idea, honestly,
of what goes on inside of me or
inside my mind during those moments
when I sit quietly or hide myself from
the outside world.



I am not okay.
          You believe I can make it
through anything, but you have
no clue, I am not you, not as
strong-minded as you,
not as brave as you to keep pushing
and moving through everything.



I am not okay.
          I miss my comfort zone,
the feeling of being able to be
numb, to not have to feel anything
at all, where everything just disappears
and even time just stands still.



I am not okay.
          I probably will not make it,
but I promise that I will at least try
so that I can say I gave it my best, and
that I'm not a complete failure in your eyes
even though I know that I truly am,
I truly am a fuck up.



I am not okay, I promise.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Here's my story

This is a lot. You don't have to read all of it. I just feel it's kind of fair to tell you this stuff. And I mean...you've been super honest with me. So it's my turn. You know my dad died when I was three. When I was four, my cousin's friend would come over after school. He was around 12 or 14. He molested me for years. It finally stopped when I was in 4th grade. The counselors came in the classrooms and showed us some videos about sexual abuse. There were three of us girls who came forward about what was going on with us. My cousin has always been upset with himself for not telling anyone when I told him. But I don't blame him. I learned long ago it was the boy’s fault. When I was 14, I had a boyfriend who tried to rape me. He hurt me physically and left bruises on me. I finally had to go to the principal at school but still, nothing happened to him. That was when I finally lost control and my depression came about. I cut myself for the first time in ...

What is life?

Homework, homework, and more homework. I only have 6 more classes until I graduate with my bachelor's. Two of those 6 I'm currently taking. So 4 left after this term. I feel like I'm drowning in homework, errands, work, and cleaning. No breaks.  My boyfriend helps a lot. He helps with the cooking, laundry, and yardwork. I'm thankful for that. There's nothing he can do when it comes to my homework or job. But after I graduate, he may be hunting for a degree, be it trade school or otherwise. He could easily change his mind, of course. I'm actually hopeful that he goes through with it. I worry about how long his job position will last. Anything could happen and the company could shut down. That would not be good for our mortgage payment and other bills. But if I were able to find a job that pays well enough, I wouldn't mind if he stayed home. Especially if we were able to one day have a baby. If he were a stay at home dad, that would be fine.  I miss not be...

The War of the Mind

I am you -- you are me. Two halves of the same being,            yet completely different. Never here nor there,           personalities clash, we fall back. Marching to the same beat,           living the same war; living, breathing,           and watching others fall -- The casualties all fall down. You and I, we are closer than others. No one sees our bond, no one sees           us fight the same battle. Against each other, yet step-in-step,           neck-in-neck, through-and-through. Emotions flare, tears fall,           words are thrown carelessly. All of this we share with the            beat of one heart -- The war of the mind. Silently, the attacks begin. Creeping slowly, wordless, breathless           for the kill shot. ...