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Emotional

Today I feel...sad, confused, alone, a little mad, a little jealous, and just bleh. I think it's a little bit of everything causing me to feel this jumble of emotions. I found out a coworker is pregnant and I felt like god or mother nature or whoever slapped me in the face. The day after I found out I cannot conceive without the help of a fertility specialist my coworker announces she is pregnant. Am I wrong to feel this way? 

 I know, I know, PCOS is not a "death sentence". Just because I'm not ovulating doesn't mean that I cannot have a baby. But it does make things just a tad bit frustrating and complicating. 

 "Here's a short list of what you can do to help while waiting to see the specialist". 

 1. Lose weight. Well, hallelujah, that's such a simple task, let me hop right on this! Oh, wait, already here. I've been trying to lose weight for, oh, I don't know, years? When you break your entire fucking leg and have to be non-weight bearing for an extended period of time, it's easy to gain weight. And since I gained weight and I still am not back to where I was before, it's hard to lose the weight. The pain makes walking difficult, even on the treadmill I purchased. Eating healthy only does so much without physical activity. So, if you've never been in this position, sit down and shut up, mister fancy doctor. 

 2. Medication to induce ovulation. Oh, fancy pills, okay. Have you also taken into consideration the fact that I only have one viable ovary? And that if it goes bad, I'm screwed. Also, ovulating won't solve all the issues. Not when there are.... bedroom issues. 

 Maybe I should stop and think. Maybe I'm not meant to be a mother. Maybe I would be terrible at it. Maybe the things happening to my body have happened for a reason: to stop me from becoming pregnant. I don't believe in God. I don't believe there is anything really out there deciding our purpose in life, watching and judging. But that doesn't stop me from believing that things can happen for a reason. And maybe this is one of those circumstances. 

 I guess I'll find out when I see the specialist. 
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