The Inner Workings of my Mind

I am not okay.           You have no idea, honestly, of what goes on inside of me or inside my mind during those moments when I sit quietly or hide myself from the outside world. I am not okay.           You believe I can make it through anything, but you have no clue, I am not you, not as strong-minded as you, not as brave as you to keep pushing and moving through everything. I am not okay.           I miss my comfort zone, the feeling of being able to be numb, to not have to feel anything at all, where everything just disappears and even time just stands still. I am not okay.           I probably will not make it, but I promise that I will at least try so that I can say I gave it my best, and that I'm not a complete failure in your eyes even though I know that I truly am, I truly am a fuck up. I am not okay, I promise.

I wake up to another horrible night[day]mare, crawl out of bed and, avoiding the mirror for fear that it will crack right down the middle, grab the hairbrush and run it through by memory. I get dressed in loose clothing, never something tight that would cling to my body [who would want to see all the fat there anyway?], no make-up [there's no help for your face] and run out the door [skip food for your own good]. Rarely do I ever want to eat [it would go straight to your stomach or ass and add to what's there!] so I run on what energy exists till I feel my stomach complain that I have to eat something or I will pass out. I can't let the world know that I attempt to starve myself of any food because they will get mad [{you better eat or I'm going to be very angry with you!}] says one of them. Not many know my secret obsession. I wish only to be beautiful, to be skinny, to feel comfortable with my body [like that will ever happen!] and wear those pr...

I am you -- you are me. Two halves of the same being,            yet completely different. Never here nor there,           personalities clash, we fall back. Marching to the same beat,           living the same war; living, breathing,           and watching others fall -- The casualties all fall down. You and I, we are closer than others. No one sees our bond, no one sees           us fight the same battle. Against each other, yet step-in-step,           neck-in-neck, through-and-through. Emotions flare, tears fall,           words are thrown carelessly. All of this we share with the            beat of one heart -- The war of the mind. Silently, the attacks begin. Creeping slowly, wordless, breathless           for the kill shot. ...

I ache to feel the bones that are hidden under the skin,  to touch them, break them, probe the marrow that is hidden  within their  shell.  Watch the blood discolor the skin, drip onto the floor  like shards of glass, shards of my  former self, shattered.  I want to watch as the moonlight shines on what's  left of me, the pieces I'll never fit back together, like a broken mirror, a shadow  of who I used to be that is fading away, it doesn't belong in this world. Watch as the hallow, empty  shell of a person turns to dust and the wind from an open window carries it away.  All that's left is an empty space; a void that another will one day rise to fill. A whisper, a half-forgotten memory,  an echo of a shadow, the breeze from a flutter of wings, the dust being carried on the wind.